Unpacking
Every time I return from a trip, or race, or event, I do some reflection and process the experience. For me, thinking about what went well and what was a challenge is a great way to start processing.
I just returned from a vacation with some of my favorite people. Thinking of them as I unpacked my bags and settled back into home helped me come to some realizations. I wanted to share some of those thoughts and emotions. As well as some things that I learned in 2020, and so far in 2021.
The first thing I was thinking as I was unpacking my bag, was how fitting it was that I was also unpacking my thoughts and feelings. This was a powerful visual representation for me.
Some of my suitcase items were folded neatly. Some of those things were unused entirely or re-washed while on vacation and put in the bottom of my bag. Some of them were not even moved from where they had been initially placed. Other things were tossed back in carelessly or last minute, being moved around again and again. Flipped over and taken out and put back again.
This is what my emotions and thoughts feel like sometimes. Some of them processed and dealt with. Some of them never touched intentionally or otherwise. Some things put away permanently it seems. Some of them messy, crumpled up. Issues or memories that I’d thought I’d discarded, yet it seems that I went dumpster diving one day and kept them for a rainy day. My mind is like that bag. And one of the realizations I’ve had after processing and reminiscing about my latest trip with the girls is eye opening for me.
I will begin this with a victory statement . I am currently 607 days sober, on August 29th 2021. In the last few hours, on the day after I got back from a fantastic girls trip to the beach, I am feeling like I can do this thing. The sober thing. Probably sounds strange since I’ve had 607 days to think about sobriety. I’m talking about attempting a sober lifetime here. When I started out I really didn’t expect to get past a week. Then a month turned into a year. Now I’m here. A sober person. An alcoholic living a sober life. However, I don’t feel like a recovering alcoholic. I am an alcoholic. That hits hard, it hits different when I just say it out loud like that. So, in 2021 I fully take responsibility for myself and my addiction. I’ve hurt people in my past. I’ve made very big mistakes over my life. I’ve failed in so many ways over my lifetime of 41 years and I will continue to do so, because that is inevitable.
Living in this knowledge that I could fail being a sober alcoholic is startling. It’s unsettling. I’ve been touting my accomplishment for so long and had so many people cheer for me and send support and love over this victory. How would it feel if I failed and had a drink, or ten? What would happen if I went back to drinking. What if those I love, but have undoubtedly negatively affected with my drinking, were to see me devolve into my addiction one day. It’s fear inducing. So what do I do?
I refrain from drinking. Each time I go to an event, or vacation where others will partake, I refrain. Its so f-ing hard. I can’t put into words the affect that the URGE to drink alcohol has on me. It feels like something is pulling my nervous system, my brain to the actual bottle or can itself. Like being physically drawn towards the thing that will change my consciousness. Change my brain chemistry to that relaxed, happy free feeling state where stress melts away. That glass of wine or White Claw that turns into a wash of relief. That’s what addiction is. It’s a gratification, fun, release in some way. You feel different. You seek that because it feels better than what you are or were. At least that is what it is for me in my experience.
So coming to the realization that this is going to be with me for the foreseeable future, this pull, this urge to drink when it is in my sight, it’s a little daunting. Watching others shift their energy and get a little loose and happy when they drink in front of me has me feeling envious. That is a feeling that is taking a lot of processing and accepting. At this moment I’m maintaing a positive attitude and really trying to WORK ON MYSELF, instead of looking to what anyone else is doing as a metric for my behavior or choices. That’s a big job!
The things is, I get to choose. I get to choose if I drink. Right now I’m still choosing not to. I still have momentum on my side. I’m determined to keep growing. Onward and upward.
Here are some other things I’ve learned through processing over the past year and a half.
I know who my tribe is. Those ladies were on our most recent trip to the beach, Emerald Isle NC 2021. Our group of beautifully dynamic and charismatic women keep amazing me. They are humorous, wise, witty, empathic, and have so many qualities that I admire and value. They are honest without being cruel. They are sassy and sarcastic, but still kind. They are incredibly helpful and would drop what they are doing to assist any one of us, even though they are so busy themselves. They are educated to different degrees, yet down to earth no matter their profession. They don’t let people walk on them, but they will walk along side you figuratively and literally.
To say that I am thankful for them would be an understatement. We’ve been through so much togther. They know who they are without me even mentioning their names.
Over the last two years I’ve learned how to let go of my illusion of control. I’ve been on multiple backpacking trips with my husband and our hiking partner, as well as three other girls trips. Being able to adapt and not take myself so seriously or be tied to expectations or schedules, or worry about logistics and itineraries has been FREEING!
Watching the division of my community over elections and Covid in 2020, helped me see how I have absolutely no control how people feel or believe. Learning that the news poisons my soul, and choosing not to watch certain things shows what control I do have. I control what I allow into my world via media and social media.
I learned how to set boundaries and goals, personally and professionally.
I learned that I can do really hard things. I am resilient and I can adapt. To state it plainly, I’m a badass. I even have a couple of Morse Code bracelets that tell me so! They were given to me as gifts by two of my best friends.
I learned that I can pivot. When things got difficult financially with the Covid-19 shut down of gyms, I kept working to help others. I put my time in energy into connecting with people in a different way instead of giving into isolation.
Pushing through the challenges of injury and the delayed date for my first 50 mile ultramarathon trail race finish in 2020 showed that I could rise to the challenge and complete a hard goal despite less than ideal training conditions.
Perhaps one of my greatest accomplishments of 2021 was directly related to my WHY. Connection. Connection to my values and other humans. Me and a band of misfit runners all lined up for a trail marathon and we all finished. Most of them it was their longest race ever and their first trail marathon. The group actively supported each other, and over the training season we faced many challenges. Emotional and physical challenges confronted every one of us. To see us come together and make such strides in our running journey’s while also building strong connections is probably the highlight of my year. Some of these people will be with me when I attempt a 100 mile ultramarathon finish in a little over a month from now.
I have so much to be thankful for. One of them is the opportunity and freedom and comfortablilty in life to take the triumphs and challenges and learn from them. Not everyone gets to do that.
For the first time in my life I have the pleasure of thriving instead of just surviving. It’s been a long road to get here. Good and bad decisions and all that comes with them. I own that. With that ownership of my behavior and ability to thrive, I plan on continuing my work to support those who wish to do the same.
I will keep unpacking now. There is much to learn and much to do. One of those things being rest and recovery. Perhaps my greatest challenge is making those two things a priority.
-written by Ashley Myers
#personalgrowth